lah lah

so... yesterday i hit the wall of shock about 11am and had to leave work. i tried to sleep but that didn't help cos i just didn't sleep.

because of the way he had been acting and reacting emotionally to things, curled up on my bed unable to move after a visit to his relative, i had believed everything that he had told me.
now i'm not sure he knows what to believe of himself. maybe he has told too many lies and they started to spiral when last week i started to question.

there is no point speculating, i can't help him now. i was willing to do so much, be so patient, be so caring, making sure he always ate, making sure he was entertained, making sure his dog was cared for sometimes in his absence... so i was used up... i'm not sure why.

i'm not saying i'm not convinced that what i shared with him didn't seem genuine, i wouldn't have bought it otherwise. he's either a very smooth operator or a very confused little bunny.
and yes there is nothing else i can do for him, nor would i want to now that i can see that he's been spreading lies.

there is nothing worse than a liar.
and i would hate for a liar to bring me down.

at least i have rediscovered the ability to write logically, with some emotion, like i often have done in the past so that i will remember all of this, remember to question much earlier, and not believe things said about friends of mine which seem questionable to me.

i am pretty exhausted, mentally, physically, haven't eaten properly in over a week, certainly haven't slept properly, but there is no point trying to work it out in my head, the whole thing is cruel. he had better stay away from me.

if he ever calls to try and apologise i will simply say 'that's nice, tell the truth' or perhaps as simple as 'you have said enough'.

doubt it, he's gutless and lazy.

and here ends the lesson.
and i guess the lesson is.... if something doesn't seem quite right to you, question it.
xJ