pappy smurfday to Tor... pappy smurfday to Tor...

Sammi, Tor, Moi

we went for a little adventure to the Merthyr Bowls Club to have some bevs for Tor's birfday on Wednesday night... we had fun.

Sammi has loaned me a hair straightener so I'll have a play with it later today and see how random my self hairdressing skills are!

Have been playing on ebay, putting up some books et al. Also still waiting for my roof to be fixed and it's getting worse and worse by the day. Eek!

Planted some capsicum (pepper for you americans), basil and poppy seeds, hopefully they'll all come up trumps. Not going too badly for someone who has never grown Broccoli or Carrots before. I have had to erect a make-shift shade structure for the broccoli because they do get too much sun in the afternoon. Darn it I thought I had sussed it properly. Oh well we shall see how they go!!

Oh... and I got a 280 phone bill for all the confused calls i made after shitty shitty bang bang with boy. grrrr. double grrr.

but i'll get a new phone next week with a bonus PSP so that will make me smile momentarily.

have a gorgeous day.
xxJ

on with the show...

so i've transplanted my two broccoli plants that were sitting in a pot getting big enough to move into the garden bed... we shall see. go broccoli go!!

seem to be about 3 carrots going great guns as well. don't quite trust growing things under the soil in the garden bed so am keeping these in their pot. yay.

might try germinate some basil. basil is goood.

new hairdo looks fab but of course i wet it this morning in the shower so it's back to whispy mcfly away randomness so i will have to work out how to keep it managed without buying expensive hair drying implements!

haha.
have a gorgeous day.
xJ

a change is as good as a haircut...

and i have a sexy new one.

so there!

mwa mwa.

xJ

torn in two again...

well well well... and what should little julie faye do in this situation. just leave?
that makes me feel like i would be running away from something that was out of my control.
very silly.

last night i finally actually had a cry. it didn't last too long though. i'm just sick of thinking about the whole thing. i still feel concern, but as previously mentioned, the whole thing is out of my hands. having been the person in the last 3 or 4 months that has seen him at his happiest and his saddest, how he could push me away so viciously is beyond me. and the fact i was defamed for it is quite hard to deal with, because i simply don't get it. i just don't. have never ever experienced anything like it and hope i do not have to ever again.

everyone has been wonderful and listened to my surprisingly logical rants about the whole thing, sorry that some of you are probably way sick of it but it was quite a punch in the guts. should i just start being a bitch and not nice to anyone or something?! i don't think so.

some of it seems quite comical actually, doesn't mean the whole thing doesn't suck.

hmmm.... was so ready to have someone in my life too. still am.

where's my freakn apology jerk??!

xJ

we shall see then...

Daily Libra Horoscope - 20th February, 2009
I think it was Ghandi (forgive me if it wasn't, I'm in an Internet-free zone and can't check!) who said that we should be the change that we want to see in the world. That's an amazing concept. Imagine. You want your partner to live more healthily, so you rev up your own diet to be more healthful. Or you want peace in the world so you make up with someone you're feuding with. Etc. And this is relevant to you today because? You have a chance to turn one very close (maybe even blood-) relationship around today. If not today, then very soon.
(from yahoo7, moonology.com)

not him though, definately NOT him.
xxJ

so anyways...

i don't feel regret, remorse, grief, sadness, i feel some concern somewhere in the back of my head, because there was obviously something wrong that i was unable to tap into. i feel that all the people that need to know the reality of the situation already know. except one.

he forgets that i'm the kind of sentimental person that keeps messages and photographs... why i didn't write here what was making me feel so much connection and joy is beyond me. i have written some of it down to remind me. and perhaps if i had actually shown it to him, he would have gotten it. well it's mine now and noone can see it.

i enjoyed my time with him mostly, learnt some things about myself, and that's never a bad thing. i kind of believe i am beginning to not like drama. i also believe the 'return of saturn' is really and truly upon me. whether you believe in the way the stars and the universe affect you is irrelevant really. after having a read about it i definately see it. the person i am now is probably going to be the person i will be forever. so don't get caught up in the drama and just keep moving.

i quite like to be generous. it will probably mean i can never save money but i'd rather be remembered for being generous than for being a prude or simply a receiver and not a giver.

i am simply progressing with my years goals and perhaps will do some more research soon... in fact i know i will. might just take some time.

have been enjoying the company of good friends. and trying to get in touch with others that were left by the wayside...

and the ultimate decision whether i am done with this city still looms.

xJ

can't say much more...

because the following words have been bounding around in my head in the last few days...

truth... karma... childish... gutless...

so i had a fun weekend, got completely trashed up at redcliffe at the RSL and afterwards at a mates place, i think i was the first one to go lie down. oh well. got a bit sunburnt yesterday sitting by their pool, but it was really placid and chilled with nice people and good conversation, exactly what i needed.

so now i have to do dishes as a friend is coming for dinner... and washing. boo hiss.

much love, xJ

lah lah

so... yesterday i hit the wall of shock about 11am and had to leave work. i tried to sleep but that didn't help cos i just didn't sleep.

because of the way he had been acting and reacting emotionally to things, curled up on my bed unable to move after a visit to his relative, i had believed everything that he had told me.
now i'm not sure he knows what to believe of himself. maybe he has told too many lies and they started to spiral when last week i started to question.

there is no point speculating, i can't help him now. i was willing to do so much, be so patient, be so caring, making sure he always ate, making sure he was entertained, making sure his dog was cared for sometimes in his absence... so i was used up... i'm not sure why.

i'm not saying i'm not convinced that what i shared with him didn't seem genuine, i wouldn't have bought it otherwise. he's either a very smooth operator or a very confused little bunny.
and yes there is nothing else i can do for him, nor would i want to now that i can see that he's been spreading lies.

there is nothing worse than a liar.
and i would hate for a liar to bring me down.

at least i have rediscovered the ability to write logically, with some emotion, like i often have done in the past so that i will remember all of this, remember to question much earlier, and not believe things said about friends of mine which seem questionable to me.

i am pretty exhausted, mentally, physically, haven't eaten properly in over a week, certainly haven't slept properly, but there is no point trying to work it out in my head, the whole thing is cruel. he had better stay away from me.

if he ever calls to try and apologise i will simply say 'that's nice, tell the truth' or perhaps as simple as 'you have said enough'.

doubt it, he's gutless and lazy.

and here ends the lesson.
and i guess the lesson is.... if something doesn't seem quite right to you, question it.
xJ

wow...

i have been pushed, pulled and finally pushed away by someone that i thought had cared quite deeply for me only to find that it was obviously not true.

whatever is going on in that brain has nothing to do with me and i cannot take it personally, however i am currently struggling with eating and sleeping and am in complete shock.

i hope that at some point he will feel remorse, regret, something, something that would make him as human as i.

i can't believe it, i simply can't believe it.
xJ

aqualung vs coldplay

AQUALUNG SHITS ALL OVER COLDPLAY!

That's really all i have to say.

xJ