*blowing the dust off the blog*

oh sorry blog... i keep telling you i will look after you like a puppy and i get so caught up in the universe and stupid other interweb based programs that i neglect you... accept my deepest apologies...

so recently... ok so this year totally blew for about the first three months for a variety of reasons... apart from having the complete misfortune of being involved with someone who had put too many holes in their brain and didn't understand the words 'common decency', fell out of work and was completely broke at the wrong time too... well i mean this is never for long but it was all terribly bad timing.

anyways, took me a wee while to understand and all, but the point of the whole thing was well you can't control other peoples behaviour, only your own. and the reality is that i walked away a little bruised but unscathed really. and truly have been having a WAY more fun time instead of hibernating with the one person all the time.

i mean shiz, it can be totally great hibernating with a special person, but starting to believe i was more like a convenient piece of equipment to prop up the ego and cop all of the negative rantinga bout the universe than anything else. shit happens eh?

and so more recently and quite by chance i met someone out and about in brisbane who evidently is a little bit special... has been completely upfront about baggage from the get-go, albeit brief, confessed to missing me after not really having been apart for all that long (i felt exactly the same, and said so, is it stupid?) and being simply happy in my company... and has now asked for time to get his focus back and sort out some aforementioned baggage. which is completely fine with me. it's way too important to be let lie so i would never stand in the way of anything like that. my door is totally always open to him and i am grateful to know an adult who just steps up and says it rather than fucking me around.

people who know me very well probably realise that i am a frikn prude, don't sleep around or waste my time too much with people that aren't worth my time (ooh, except that ex-one, my bad).

so i leave it as it lies, press pause as it were, and just keep asking the universe to assist him with his gear and me with my gear, and that we will again cross paths and be excited about each others company...

xxoo

how did i know...

that i would become less of a prude in my old age?!

haha, yes yes i know not that old particularly but you know, it kind of works in that sentence...

today i had the delicious Gabi stab me in the guts with body jewellery.

i want my tattoo designed by my best mate and tattooed by a lovely lady who shared my house with me last year.

i want to go out and see more music and i want to be more creative and sing a lot more.

and make random videos for youtube to share silliness with the universe.

i bought some cowboy boots.
and some more perfume.
thanks to the pennies from kevin that is.

however i do overall feel like i will not fuck up or fail myself this time and certainly won't forget who i am for the sake of somebody else.
about freakn time.

rock.
and god damn do i want that boy ;)
no not THAT boy... a different one.
xJ

ps. this is rocking my world right now...

can't sleep...

because i think i just worked something out...

as you get older you all recognise that time actually moves terribly quickly...

hence, the reason that my mind is still bouncing around like a yo-yo is that it feels like it wasnt that long ago.

when the reality of the situation is that its taking me just about as long as the actual 'relationship' lasted itself to get out of the funk.

sometimes i guess you think you know people... when in reality you dont know shit.

so i wipe my hands of it all. numbers have been deleted. i am giving up trying to be nice. etc. etc. and seriously trying to get on with my life.

so much has actuallly happened since then when i think about it. i have done heaps of stuff, fun stuff, hard work, and made quite a bit of progress personally.

besides that, i keep meeting rad people who i love and they don't need a sad sack around ruining their chi either.

he never ever saw me angry, few people do, it usually takes a lot for me to actually yell, but if i saw him now i'd give him a piece of my mind. tenthousand.

i mean you have to be pretty stupid to use your womans computer...

thankyou thankyou to s, s + c for all of your support. i love all three of you crazy ladies. lots.

xJ

jebus tapdancing ch-rist!

hahahaha! almost laughable what i discovered today.

isn't it funny when people have two sides, possibly a split personality, and obviously no respect for the woman who is supporting them.

and who in their right mind advertises for such 'relations' on myface? retards that's who.

so initially i freaked and went 'what the...?' and now i just think whatever dude.

seriously, had fun, no regrets, except perhaps i wasted time worrying about it for so long afterwards.

bwargh hargh hargh hargh hargh. loser.

his number deleted, associated relatives numbers also deleted. I've had enough and am looking forward to getting on with my existence.

applied for work at another festival today. have got two more lined up already for later in the year. looking good.

and i will get my proper contract for work this week, even though i can see we are in for a long tough time...

heading off to drink with my bestie and her bro and some visiting englishmen. i can tell there will be much beer and silliness. just what i need. looking forward to it.

have a gorgeous evening all.

xxJ (the amused)

life in bristanbul...

well i feel a wee bit more like me and a little less like sad sack confused julie which is particularly nice.

body is very sore, probably too much fluffing about on the laptop this weekend.

just had a quick phone convo with a mate who i have left behind in adelaide. kinda sad.

but yes, the last week or so we have been cooking lots, talking crap, walking home in the middle of the night, spending time with nice people and i have been working particularly hard.

xxJ

the globe...

random!

dark corners...

lampy mclamp lamp...

ez pez...

umm, i don't think the pool cue's on fire...

me and new roomie yvette...

all in all disappointed with the 20 bux we spent to see an 'intimate' show of the basics.... film when you wanna see the real band is a bit ripped off. not to say you guys aren't good but brian and i went for coffee and cake and returned and were still disappointed.

boo hiss.

xxJ

it's raining....

again!
see it would be good if we could all stand outside, blow, and move these clouds down to SA where they need it a hell of a lot. or at least blow half of them.

saw my ex lover and friend the other day. it made me kind of sad. because even though the whole thing really hurt, and i have been through every emotion imaginable in the past couple of months, i still miss my friend.

but because he is not willing to talk about it and seems only ashamed of the whole thing, i am not sure there is a point seeing him unless he changes his mind about discussing it.

so i mainly spent the weekend smoking, drinking and sleeping. not to excess or anything, but of course i am again distracted, worried about money, worried about myself, trying to get my motivation and my mojo back...

i think, overall, i am tired of feeling like shit, feeling drained and feeling confused.

i guess i know that it was nothing to do with me. troubled? yes.

xJ

where did you get that funk???

where did you get that funk....???

so many people got twitter accounts because ellen degeneres said so. hehe. that's funny.

so i'm still kind of in this funk because now that i'm a week or so behind in rent, with little cash, starting work again on monday, need a housemate, waiting to hear on melb comedy festival work application, lah lah lah.

on top of that my computer decided to shit itself but at the moment it's stable. which is terribly weird, they're sending me a new hard drive and everything but it seems ok since i got it to do a check disk thingy. damn technology. especially when i need it to look for courses and jobs and such and such.

anyhoo so cross your fingers and toes that a) i can eat for the next week, b) my sleeping goes back to normal and c) i can meet a non emotionally retarded man sometime soon as well. hehe.

much love,
xJ

fringey bits...

Monski Mouse spruking for the Puppet Palace

Leigh Stardust in between sets at the Garden...

me and shuzzbutt hanging in the garden...

Frehd Astarr - There's Something About Fairy - Rhino Room

xJ

struggling a bit today...

it's taking all of my willpower to refrain from being nice as well...

it's his birthday today you see. i would have spoilt him rotten today and been taking him to a-town for fringey goodness this week... instead i am going alone.

thought i didn't care, i obviously do. damn emotions!

anyhooooo... watching 'smart people' for the second time, as the first time i didn't really watch it properly, but as you can probably tell again i am not watching it properly! BUT i will say that i think it's quite a good interesting movie indeed, they're all a bit disfunctional. i like that.

can't wait til they fix the roof properly then i can set the bloody office back up properly!
well set it up PROPERLY for the first time i guess. starting to move in the right circles i feel... it's taking me a while but i know the year of the darned earth ox is upon us so it will not be easy for many of us.

oh and it's so darned hot again today as well, must be mid 30's at least... and not much air moving. quite unpleasant. yukky.

have a great day anyways folks!
xJ

pappy smurfday to Tor... pappy smurfday to Tor...

Sammi, Tor, Moi

we went for a little adventure to the Merthyr Bowls Club to have some bevs for Tor's birfday on Wednesday night... we had fun.

Sammi has loaned me a hair straightener so I'll have a play with it later today and see how random my self hairdressing skills are!

Have been playing on ebay, putting up some books et al. Also still waiting for my roof to be fixed and it's getting worse and worse by the day. Eek!

Planted some capsicum (pepper for you americans), basil and poppy seeds, hopefully they'll all come up trumps. Not going too badly for someone who has never grown Broccoli or Carrots before. I have had to erect a make-shift shade structure for the broccoli because they do get too much sun in the afternoon. Darn it I thought I had sussed it properly. Oh well we shall see how they go!!

Oh... and I got a 280 phone bill for all the confused calls i made after shitty shitty bang bang with boy. grrrr. double grrr.

but i'll get a new phone next week with a bonus PSP so that will make me smile momentarily.

have a gorgeous day.
xxJ

on with the show...

so i've transplanted my two broccoli plants that were sitting in a pot getting big enough to move into the garden bed... we shall see. go broccoli go!!

seem to be about 3 carrots going great guns as well. don't quite trust growing things under the soil in the garden bed so am keeping these in their pot. yay.

might try germinate some basil. basil is goood.

new hairdo looks fab but of course i wet it this morning in the shower so it's back to whispy mcfly away randomness so i will have to work out how to keep it managed without buying expensive hair drying implements!

haha.
have a gorgeous day.
xJ

a change is as good as a haircut...

and i have a sexy new one.

so there!

mwa mwa.

xJ

torn in two again...

well well well... and what should little julie faye do in this situation. just leave?
that makes me feel like i would be running away from something that was out of my control.
very silly.

last night i finally actually had a cry. it didn't last too long though. i'm just sick of thinking about the whole thing. i still feel concern, but as previously mentioned, the whole thing is out of my hands. having been the person in the last 3 or 4 months that has seen him at his happiest and his saddest, how he could push me away so viciously is beyond me. and the fact i was defamed for it is quite hard to deal with, because i simply don't get it. i just don't. have never ever experienced anything like it and hope i do not have to ever again.

everyone has been wonderful and listened to my surprisingly logical rants about the whole thing, sorry that some of you are probably way sick of it but it was quite a punch in the guts. should i just start being a bitch and not nice to anyone or something?! i don't think so.

some of it seems quite comical actually, doesn't mean the whole thing doesn't suck.

hmmm.... was so ready to have someone in my life too. still am.

where's my freakn apology jerk??!

xJ

we shall see then...

Daily Libra Horoscope - 20th February, 2009
I think it was Ghandi (forgive me if it wasn't, I'm in an Internet-free zone and can't check!) who said that we should be the change that we want to see in the world. That's an amazing concept. Imagine. You want your partner to live more healthily, so you rev up your own diet to be more healthful. Or you want peace in the world so you make up with someone you're feuding with. Etc. And this is relevant to you today because? You have a chance to turn one very close (maybe even blood-) relationship around today. If not today, then very soon.
(from yahoo7, moonology.com)

not him though, definately NOT him.
xxJ

so anyways...

i don't feel regret, remorse, grief, sadness, i feel some concern somewhere in the back of my head, because there was obviously something wrong that i was unable to tap into. i feel that all the people that need to know the reality of the situation already know. except one.

he forgets that i'm the kind of sentimental person that keeps messages and photographs... why i didn't write here what was making me feel so much connection and joy is beyond me. i have written some of it down to remind me. and perhaps if i had actually shown it to him, he would have gotten it. well it's mine now and noone can see it.

i enjoyed my time with him mostly, learnt some things about myself, and that's never a bad thing. i kind of believe i am beginning to not like drama. i also believe the 'return of saturn' is really and truly upon me. whether you believe in the way the stars and the universe affect you is irrelevant really. after having a read about it i definately see it. the person i am now is probably going to be the person i will be forever. so don't get caught up in the drama and just keep moving.

i quite like to be generous. it will probably mean i can never save money but i'd rather be remembered for being generous than for being a prude or simply a receiver and not a giver.

i am simply progressing with my years goals and perhaps will do some more research soon... in fact i know i will. might just take some time.

have been enjoying the company of good friends. and trying to get in touch with others that were left by the wayside...

and the ultimate decision whether i am done with this city still looms.

xJ

can't say much more...

because the following words have been bounding around in my head in the last few days...

truth... karma... childish... gutless...

so i had a fun weekend, got completely trashed up at redcliffe at the RSL and afterwards at a mates place, i think i was the first one to go lie down. oh well. got a bit sunburnt yesterday sitting by their pool, but it was really placid and chilled with nice people and good conversation, exactly what i needed.

so now i have to do dishes as a friend is coming for dinner... and washing. boo hiss.

much love, xJ

lah lah

so... yesterday i hit the wall of shock about 11am and had to leave work. i tried to sleep but that didn't help cos i just didn't sleep.

because of the way he had been acting and reacting emotionally to things, curled up on my bed unable to move after a visit to his relative, i had believed everything that he had told me.
now i'm not sure he knows what to believe of himself. maybe he has told too many lies and they started to spiral when last week i started to question.

there is no point speculating, i can't help him now. i was willing to do so much, be so patient, be so caring, making sure he always ate, making sure he was entertained, making sure his dog was cared for sometimes in his absence... so i was used up... i'm not sure why.

i'm not saying i'm not convinced that what i shared with him didn't seem genuine, i wouldn't have bought it otherwise. he's either a very smooth operator or a very confused little bunny.
and yes there is nothing else i can do for him, nor would i want to now that i can see that he's been spreading lies.

there is nothing worse than a liar.
and i would hate for a liar to bring me down.

at least i have rediscovered the ability to write logically, with some emotion, like i often have done in the past so that i will remember all of this, remember to question much earlier, and not believe things said about friends of mine which seem questionable to me.

i am pretty exhausted, mentally, physically, haven't eaten properly in over a week, certainly haven't slept properly, but there is no point trying to work it out in my head, the whole thing is cruel. he had better stay away from me.

if he ever calls to try and apologise i will simply say 'that's nice, tell the truth' or perhaps as simple as 'you have said enough'.

doubt it, he's gutless and lazy.

and here ends the lesson.
and i guess the lesson is.... if something doesn't seem quite right to you, question it.
xJ

wow...

i have been pushed, pulled and finally pushed away by someone that i thought had cared quite deeply for me only to find that it was obviously not true.

whatever is going on in that brain has nothing to do with me and i cannot take it personally, however i am currently struggling with eating and sleeping and am in complete shock.

i hope that at some point he will feel remorse, regret, something, something that would make him as human as i.

i can't believe it, i simply can't believe it.
xJ

aqualung vs coldplay

AQUALUNG SHITS ALL OVER COLDPLAY!

That's really all i have to say.

xJ

saving money the julie faye way...

hi folks.....

well here's some little tips in case you feel like trying to save some cash...

1. if you're paying your mobile phone company a monthly fee for insurance to protect said mobile phone... and have a contents insurance policy for where you live... check whether or not your insurance policy covers 'accidental damage'.
   
   Mine in particular does and it turns out I've been paying $10ish a month for the last two years to the mobile phone co unnecessarily... i know that ultimately that's not much, but hey, $10 a month is $10 a month. Why pay two companys for the same service? Silly.
   
   So I cancelled it's arse.
   
2. check the connection rates and rates per kwh on your electricity and gas bills. if you have two companies providing your utilities, check if one will provide any discount for you to have both services with them. even if their quarterly connection fees and kwh pricing is the same, no harm in getting 5 or 10% off for having both services with them. besides, convenience of one bill would be nice. less paper and less time.
   
   i e-mailed a couple companys that i have services with and asked them some questions that i couldn't answers on from their website. hopefully they'll get back to me soon.
   
   well, i guess if they want to keep my business they will get back to me. poosers.
   
3. see if your bank offers a lower rate credit card. I was getting sprayed with interest every month in exchange for having a frequent flyer program connected to it. now the frequent flyer points were useful when i used to fly more often, but i barely use them now. turns out i can save 8% in interest by switching to a different one. (in my case initially that will be about $34/month)
   
   and so i have.
   
   if you have a service like this you are really seeing no benefit in, just get rid of it.
   
   by the way, flybuys is for chumps. it seems to be to follow what people are spending their cash on and is way hard to ever redeem anything. hence the reason i got rid of mine like 10 years back!
   
4. make your lunch.
   
   i am the first to admit I am crap at this. it's been quite humid and almost too hot to cook so i've not bothered, but consider that i work in an office, sometimes stop for a toasted sandwhich for breakfast, am obsessed with coca cola which is really expensive unless you buy it in bulk, and usually go out for a sandwhich at lunch. even tho it doesn't seem like much before you know it it's honestly $20 a day.
   
   so, in essence, i spend $100 a week just for lunch. which is totally lame. i am the first to admit it. I used to be really good at making big meals and taking them to work and am not sure why i became so complacent. this will change.
   
5. well the other thing is... if there is stuff sitting in your house (or in boxes under other peoples houses) that you never use / read / play with but that are in good nick and someone else will appreciate more and use rather than having them sit under your house, sell them on ebay.
   
   i've been doing this for a while (i guess gumtree is another good option too) because when i spent 3 months in adelaide i was finally able to go through the 16+ boxes of stuff left at mum and dads. there were plenty of collectable books and such that i had kept for the 'collectable' reason but when i thought about it, they'd been sitting there for 4 years... and that's just stupid. mum and dad need their shed and i don't need to keep so much random stuff.
   
   anyways, i like ebay, people have been thrilled to get their hands on some of the music and books i have had stashed away, and it kind of gives me a feeling of satisfaction having sent it to someone who really appreciates it.... plus that little bit of spending money.
   
   be warned tho, you'll probably see something YOU like on ebay and spend some of that cash you earned. hehe.
   
6. i guess 6 should be quit smoking, but i'm not that worried about it.

more soon. i know that was all silly and self indulgent and possibly more like self-help, but i felt like sharing.

much love, xJ

holy blinding bat pellets batman...

not nearly as good as HOLY SNORKEL BATMAN but there you go...

it's been humid as a humid thing in humid day in humid land in the last 2 or 3 days. unpleasant to say the least. makes it hard to want to wear clothes let alone go to work!!

so been working again for equivalent of about 8 days because the chick i was meant to train was in a bus accident and was off work for a week so that was that. but i still made myself useful and worked nearly a full week this week.

went to dins at a local pub with chops last night and was in a great mood until i came home and discovered a $50/week rent increase sitting in my letterbox. let's just say not happy jan. a big hike in one hit!

anyways so now i am going through budgeting and seeing where i can cut costs so that i don't have to leave my glorious home.
hmmm...
xxJ

blip! there goes another year...

ok, ok, so it's taken me some time to type something of note. i know i know...
i haven't finished my list for 2009, in fact it's not started but it's bubbling in my brain.

it will most likely include:

*get paid to work on at least 3 festivals
*go to france
*get rid of / pay out your damned credit card

so i spent a few weeks in RADelaide before heading to Marion Bay, Tasmania to work on the Falls Festival. May I express my absolute DELIGHT at the gorgeous team there and all the staff that I was allocated who were all awesome, willing to do anything given, and worked damned hard in the crazy weather we had. thank you all so much! you are awesome beyond compare!

NICE RAINBOW!

more fotos and random things to come soon, promise.
maybe once the list is finished.

can simply say i am happy to be back in my lil abode and itching for more festival work.
and so happy to be back in baby's arms.

xxJ