okay, first things first... never EVER play that stupid candy game you'll get stuck in it for at least an hour.
i think this overwhelming feeling happened to me around my last birthday too; questioning everything. because let's face it, celebrating new year is something fun to do with your friends, but your smurfday is your *personal* year.
i make lists every january. they're not so much resolutions, but just things i want to get done throughout the year. i think this is probably about the fifth year in a row i've done it. i'd have to go back and check my old diaries (or planners for you North American types).
so i've noticed each year i'm going pretty well, until around this time of year when i realise how little of the year is actually left, and i suppose i'm used to working calendar-year in my mind. now i think i'll work it from smurfday to smurfday. seems more appropriate.
which is why, yesterday, i started a 5 year plan piece of paper. it's stuck on my wardrobe. so far it's just a bunch of words that tick around in my mind often, things i would like to work on or words that will remind me to elaborate on what i actually am manifesting a little later. this plan will include personal missions as well of course. however writing what you want for a 5 year period and what you want for a 1 year period... boy is it so much harder.
the word 'settle' barely even slips into my mind. i got way too used to living out of a pack, and being in one place for too long really does my head in.
in some weird kind of side note that popped into my head; i've always thought i'd end up volunteering somewhere less fortunate and do something great for people. it hasn't happened yet. maybe it just isn't time.
that idea of having somewhere of your own to come back to is always a joyful thought. but where?! WHERE in the world should that place be? well i can tell you the places and the neighbourhoods i feel most comfortable of course, and i'm sure you all know the answer to this anyways. so i won't bother to elaborate. and could i ever afford it. never.
i'm not even on the road that much overall i suppose, but i feel unsettled in the home town because i really haven't truly engaged with it again. and i feel like i should have by now having truly been back here almost two years. TWO?? i possibly miss the awesomesauce of the late 90's in this city. yes, i know i was a hell of a lot younger, but it's not solely that. i felt like there was this big wave of completely awesome music and creativity here during that time. so many many good times. where did it go? it's got to be around here somewhere.
i've always defended the home town from people who said it's boring. and now... well, i don't feel it's necessarily boring but i feel like i have to search for what i want to find a lot harder. disconnected.
talk about a slump. ho-ly. fucking brain slump you mean.
caution to the wind? anyone?! please!
i'd hate to play the blame game but i will on this occasion. money. money you shithead. why do you make things so much harder for us all. (yay capitalism!) you can't eat money, you can't shelter in money (easily) and you can't wear money. you think the people in this world who are really REALLY without it, care about it? i'm pretty sure they care about food and shelter more.
i'm just saying.
from the all-over-the-place mind of an almost-35 year old. *twitch, twitch*
xJ
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