i keep wondering...

why this city keeps trying to beat me...

this recent turn of events (ie. me falling down my staircase) has really thrown me.

I keep wondering if it's trying to tell me something, that being, that i should return home to adelaide.

but i do know that if i do go home i'm going backwards and not forwards.

even my cd player is vexing me today... skipping cds. though it could be the neighbour mowing the lawn making it shake. but that's unlikely.

I know that if I leave, I wont have the same opportunities I see for me here. Though Adelaide is great, it's too small. I feel I need to be somewhere larger and more vibrant to achieve what I want. Though I'm not 100% certain of what that is...

a few ideas have crossed my mind in the last few days, namely what i would do if i'm told that i do have some sort of bone related disease that requires me to keep active and protect my bones (ie. build muscles around them so they are protected better).

my initial idea is to keep working until the adelaide fringe next year, return for it, run a muck, then come back to brisbane and study perhaps to become a yoga trainer, personal trainer or something similar. It appeals to me because not only will i be looking after my own body, it's something that can make other people feel better about themselves as well.

That said, I've never been so good at science related subjects, most likely required to understand the inner workings of the body, what's good for you, what's not... then again, i'd really like to be fit, and if i was doing it full time and getting paid for it, that's not such a bad thing.

I'm feeling much better physically than I was Thursday and Friday, however it's hit me really for a six... it's hit me that possibly my whole life will change, depending what these results say. it's hit me that the people I need closest to me at the moment are nowhere to be seen, and a $300 plane ride home.

I am going back to Adelaide in about 3 weeks for wedding number four, so i guess i'll see how i go. I didn't want brisbane to beat me so easily, because I really like it, but I feel like I'm crumbling under the current pressure. It would not be so bad if i had some savings and didn't need to keep working, like a few years ago when I took 3 months off and worked part time to re-assess.

And because lately i've been able to walk home from work every day, I was feeling really good, even lost some weight, but with the fall i couldnt walk home weds, thurs or friday, and feel wretched for it.

I don't know what to do, and am feeling worse by the second.

xJ