lonely and sadly alone...

Well, you know I have to be honest here, on Friday I felt terribly alone, sitting in the lounge devouring red wine, after buying frozen sweet potato fries and baking some fish, then watching some dodgy movie on teevee that was neither fantastic nor offensive to me. You know those movies.

It could well be that 'festival remorse' is real. I mean let's face it, several times a year (well, okay, a lot of the year) I spend my time with my festival families. Then I have to leave them. All of a sudden it's "goodbye, see you next year" - as we're all transient bastards, let's not lie about it.

Spending a few weeks in Sydney was both overwhelming and lovely at the same time. Met a wonderful new crew of peoples, but also felt particularly out of place in that city. Everyone seems too well dressed, or perhaps it was just that I saw a lot of corporate people and that generally makes me shudder. There's a difference between a nice suit and a dude standing on a corner with one of those blue tooth headsets (i thought no-one used them anymore, turns out I was wrong) looking like he's talking to himself, but it being about something terribly important like the next big thing, or budgeting or some crap.

I did, however, enjoy the fact that a bunch of people were coming together to watch footage and ideas from across the globe in many languages. It really has reignited my fascination for film (like it was ever  really gone? i guess other things took precedence in recent years) and think fondly of those friends within that industry thinking 'bravo'.

And GO TEAM BOX OFFICE.

This festival remorse will become all the worse I am sure when I return to Canada soon to help out on Shambhala and have to head back to the Land Of Oz so quickly. I had such an amazing time there last year, even if I did sound like Darth Vadar for a few days and get hooked up to some oxygen therapy. And I had camping neighbours that had yip-yip costumes.

So... Festival Number 36 will you please stand up...

That continual feeling that I belong in that country instead of my own will probably never pass. I've got this strange feeling I will always regret leaving when I did, and always regret not checking out what the requirements would have been for me to stay.  I didn't want to work a lot when I was there, I made that choice, I developed other skills and kept everything flexible to fit in with my disappearing act type lifestyle.

We are so lucky here, and I get jack of people that complain and scare monger, do things for their own gain. Like SUCK IT UP all of you, we have low unemployment, medical care for all, a Government that is actually moving towards decreasing our environmental impact... I mean of course not all of these things are perfect, we are still fighting for many important things to be heard / passed / understood. But to whine and moan about pricing and such, think less. It's always more.

Do you really NEED 3 televisions, 2 cars, shoe hire, hot dog, fries and a coke?! To run your air conditioner or heater 24 / 7, then cry about electric bills?! Put on a jumper!

Our shitty media largely to blame for our over-consumption of just about everything. You need the latest gadget man, seriously, you do... *scoff*.

Look outside it, and get involved in what is local to you.

{ Actually can I ad that some of the television advertising I have seen lately REALLY gives me the shits. Clubs Australia trying to convince us that they are part of a solution... banks using high profile celebs to make them sound like a charity... mining companies trying to prove that they work along side environmental projects. Y'all make me sick. }

here ends the ranting...

so... what's been happening then...??

well it's been an interesting couple of months that is for sure.

firstly, it's so much easier to make money here. Making headway on debt and had a new contract with the Garden of Unearthly Delights, met some wonderful people and worked hard. Still, the reigning champion of individual sales wants her trophy ;)

I started living in a place with some nice people, that was until one of them turned out to be a knob-jockey with no control over emotions. Look, if you ask me a question, I'm going to answer it. Simple. And if you can't take what the answer might be, then don't ask the question. That's the brunt of it without going in to any more detail.

I've lived in enough share houses to know that having someone scream at you for no apparent reason is just NOT cricket.

The peeps at work and the others I lived with were a great support to me during this time, and I thank you all.

In other news, stupid body has been flaring up again. It was almost as if it rejected a job where I had to sit down sometimes, then again I can't say I've been as active as I was being overseas so therefore body went RAAR. Had some more scans on my spine and hips and happy to say that actually it seems that what was a 'broad based disc herniation' is now less severe. It's still putting some pressure on nerves but not nearly as bad. So it seems it is primarilly muscular and I hope with some help from therapists, that body will be less munty in no time.

Moving all my crap outta my house didn't help I suppose, but there you go.

So it's the first time in my life I've had stuff in a storage unit, and that feels kind of okay, but it's so transitional - though I suppose I am used to that by now.

The most frustrating thing is knowing I can't currently get back to Canada in any other way except as a 'visitor'. Lame. Totally LAME. There was rumour that they would be upping the limit on ages for work permits, but so far it hasn't happened. Very sad indeed.

I regret coming back early nearly every single day. I guess because I know my friends in Australia will always be here, and will never reject my insane decisions to disappear to foreign lands... and it's the same for those in North America. But I feel way more connected to Canada than I do to Australia right now.

Further, trying to decide on which course of study to take and all is frustrating me. I have many doubts about my ability to stay focussed because I have trouble deciding on which things to focus on in the first place.

Some things never change though: I really like crossword books. Feels like it keeps my brain active.

Looking forward to seeing all my Melbourne friends very soon, off there Tuesday for another Melbourne International Comedy Festival version of SHENANIGANS and a new challenge working up at the Trades Hall.

Remembering fondly though those we have lost in the past year as I return there... Ash and Dori, you are sorely missed and nothing will ever be the same. Both taken from us too soon. We love you.

xJ

I find it interesting...

that my beloved *scoff* one-of-four-big-banks threatened all sorts of bollocks when they decided to cancel my line of credit over a measly few hundred bux whilst I was overseas... and yet I have just had a credit report back and there are no problems with it.

to which i say... you're a bunch of dirty liars AND maybe I'll just stop paying you, a-holes.

xj

Our Fundraising Efforts...

Going quite swimmingly really!

So there is a team of six ladies currently on the home stretch for FebFast... raising funds for drug and alcohol programs for Australias youth including things like Street University.

You can find our team and make a donation HERE: http://www.febfastfundraising.com.au/hairy_bins

And thank you all in advance for your kind words and donations. Let's crack that $1000 mark! It's for a good cause.

xxJ

Dear...

one of the Big Four Banks...

You're about to lose me as a customer. You seem upset, almost shocked about this?! But why?

I've been your customer for nearly 8 years. I've had to call you a lot to sort out stuff ups, been charged many fees, even had my correspondence denied even though lodged through my OWN account in SECURE MAIL that YOU provide for your customers to talk to you. When overseas in slightly dire financial situations, you didn't even accept my correspondence; you wanted to talk to me on the phone. What part of 'I have no money' did you not understand?! Offering to provide back up documents to that effect?! Customer service my backside.

Now you go and charge me nearly 60bux for an annual fee on a credit card that no longer exists.

Well, you can be thankful you did that. Because I'll be sayin' bye bye birdie quite soon.

End Rant.
xJ

judgement day...

sounds like a bad Hollywood film... oh wait, that was independence day.

Sometimes I get this strange feeling that it's terribly hard for people to understand why I'm earning a living in the way which I have chosen. That includes family, though they do support it, sometimes it's pretty evident that I'm the odd one out.

Well to me, it's pretty simple. 13 years in what I always refer to as "corporate business" did my head in.

Now this isn't to say that I didn't have jobs that I didn't enjoy, the majority of them I did even if you do run into the occasional wanker (happens in any workplace, unavoidable); however I have to explain something. Being in roles that are more 'operational' than anything else, you know the day to day operations of a business whether it be accounting or student enrollments or publishing sales or keeping your sales reps on their toes, buying merchandise, buying stationery, organising a couriering system, booking travel, keeping track of bills (I digress... you name it, I've probably done it)... well this basically leaves you open to being trodden on.

For those that are further up in the hierarchy will barely consult you when it comes to cost cutting or changes in procedures, national frameworks and things that effect YOUR every day and not theirs. I had great passion for what I was doing - always. To get things done efficiently; to not be wasteful; to find the cheapest way to do something, the best deal; to be the 'general bringer of joy' in any tough situation.

But when you get shit on from above, like a giant crow crapping on your favourite jacket then squawking and flying off and letting you deal with the clean up, well the reality is I got jack of it.

I got sick of consistently having to clean up other peoples messes; sick of walking into jobs where they had assumed the person would never leave and so there were never any procedures or notes on anything you were responsible for; watching people get made redundant for no reason other than upper management screw ups or desperate scrambles to cost cut (oh yeah, that is screw ups); providing data you thought would assist, but in the end they didn't give a crap anyways. It was never my immediate Management I had trouble with.... it was always some imaginary douchebag up there on his or her little fluffy cloud pulling the strings.

Too. Freakn. Frustrating.

At times you know it's a great challenge, but when you are constantly banging your head against a wall - well, something eventually has to give. Usually your days become longer, the frown in your forehead more pronounced, and the liquor sometimes flows a little more ;)

There has been the odd occasion that I really have run into some nasty sorts in offices too. Like absolute insane asylum candidates. Alcoholics who decide it's a good idea to move in together after getting drunk and shagging one Friday after work, and then bringing every single argument into the office from then on in. Ex-secret service (not kidding) agents whose faces go bright red and start to peel when they get stressed. And customers who think it's okay to call and start their conversation with you by screaming down the phone (and I think I went through about 5 receptionists that year). Oh wait, that was all in the same job. Yes indeed, that was so much FUN!

Add sarcasm, stir.

There's just something about that routine too. Having the same hours every day makes me terribly complacent. I guess the 9-5 just doesn't really gel too well with me unless the content is something that I really really care about. It took me a number of years to work that out.

So I changed things. Started with one paid arts gig here and there, then two... then kerblammo quit all corporate realm and move to Canada. And what do I end up with?! Two jobs in things I like... a Hostel (meeting travelers from all over, never a bad thing - sometimes frustrating, overall enjoyable) and an old Theatre (be still my beating heart...).

I must admit on my first journey there, because of the cashed up situation I was in, I had the luxury of simply volunteering for a number of months - meeting a bunch of like minded people and exploring the new scene and new environment. However it did lead to three paid festival gigs in the following year and I thought "I Have Done It" - I'd even been headhunted once - on community / arts / music festivals in a foreign country. Like holy CRAP! Why did it never occur to me earlier in my life that it was possible to make a living off of this?!

Well who knows. Maybe it wasn't quite time. Maybe I needed to learn the lesson. Maybe I had that revelation of earning loads of cash often still equates to having eff all to show for it (except my intermittent jaunts overseas of course).

The abilities I have in an administrative sense absolutely help me every day, and keep me going on the in-between times (you know, winter...!) - temping's not so bad because there's generally an end in sight... and you know, I've got pretty mad admin skills if I do say so myself. Sort shit out I do...

but now I'm gosh darned determined to just bounce from Fest to Fest, no matter what the topic, check it all out.

All scenes, all mediums, in all parts of this beautiful world.

Now to finally work out the balance - my real purpose in life in 2012 I guess.

Find it, work it, keep it.

Balance, Repetition, Composition...

Sod it. I like the downtime between contracts; earning less money but getting more satisfaction (and actually, somehow, having more money at the end of it). Life's funny. Hardy Har. And that.

End thought.

xx

unpacking... duex...

well yes, although all of my stuff with the exception of a couple of boxes fit in my old car and was driven all the way from Bristanbul to RADelaide several years ago... well gee there still seems to be quite a bit of it.

Though I am the Tetris mistress from HELL.

Rant:

I've wanted a filing cabinet for years... maybe I felt like I could get more organised. And immediately a friend came to the rescue on that front after I mentioned it. "Hey, we've got one in the shed - it's been sitting there a couple years. We don't use it."

My friends, you ROCK my world! You ALWAYS come to the party somehow. The party, being mostly, doing awesome stuff for me for which I am eternally grateful.

So... said filing cabinet now lovingly filled with hanging files, named and all, with all of the festival related garb I've been doing over the years. This may seem like a small victory to many, but to me it's like FINALLY there is some HOPE that I can find things and not just put them in rad boxes and tins that I manage to find along the way.

New room, however, still slightly fuckified until I can get my old set of drawers out here. Been raining a bit so an open trailer and furniture ain't such a good combination.

Anyhoo... so how do I really FEEL about all of this? That's kind of undetermined. I like my new place to live and the people that are here. I'm excited about my new role learning about all things box office here.

But overall... kinda sad. Lost. Pining for Vancouver.

Todays word: Transition.

I was well aware of it, knew it would rear it's ugly head AND I know it sucks, it's just taking a little longer this time because the truth is, I don't know when I can get back there - and that is what makes it sad.

I admit to being mostly in hiding up until now. Slowly but surely catching up with the kids here in RADelaide which I'm enjoying. I just can't unfortunately promise to be always looking myself for the time being as things tick on and on in my head.

That is, of course, until next Festival kick off (very VERY soon) which will snap me right out of any procrastination and bring all my fun clothes and flair out of hiding.

Scarves and buttons and hats, oh MY!

xx

unpacking...

finding little bits of paper with notes written on them is always interesting...

here's an example:

Soul Coughing - El Oso "Blame"

www.naturalevent.com.au

"Wake in Fright" 1971

"Zombieland"

>myface>black fridays

volunteers - ocean care

paulo.... - letterman

Now some seem obvious, one seems incomplete. Oh well. best go hunting and see why I wrote these random things down!

hehe.

xx

Ah Hell...

Haven't finished my 2012 list yet. Well I've got a few hours left of January 31 to go so why not sort this out then...

RASP RASP

1. Clear Debt

2. Get Paid on at Least 10 Festivals (last year I aimed for 5 and did 8)

3. Volunteer

4. Practice Spanish

5. Travel to: New Zealand, Bali, Northern Territory or Western Australia

6. Read more books

7. Business Planning

8. Decide on Study

9. Practice Mexican cooking

10. Start and keep up with new weblog

11. Find a way to properly preserve all festival and music memorabilia...

12. TBC

x

FebFast

So my friend Frehd started a team. I joined said team.

Here is link to team: http://www.febfastfundraising.com.au/hairy_bins

Please head over and sponsor us on our mission to live healthily and support some great public programs across Australia.

We won't be boozing for all of February. I'll be attempting to stop poisoning my lungs as well. Ugh.

xx

i am a neglectful sod...

yes indeed i am. So much has happened since I last wrote in this thing.

Left Canada, didn't want to. Waah. Back in home town RADelaide, moving into a new enormous sharehouse this weekend which is exciting.

Worked Falls already, grand. new role. all good things.

Got a new job with the Adelaide Fringe. Way excited.

Been doing temping in between.

Centrelink sucks. But have been somewhat helpful.

My cholesterol went way down on my travels away. I still need to see the dentist.

I miss hockey and my Canadian family. I think I belong there. But can't do much about it now.

SAD. BUT HAPPY. PROGRESSIVE. STUFF. THINGS.

xJ

home again, home again, jiggidy jig...

well, not quite yet but the wheels (or probably more appropriately, the jet engines) are in motion...

how do i feel? i feel good. apart from the incessant smoking which i can't seem to put down again. damn you nicotine, damn you to hell (if there is such a place).

sad to leave Canada (again) of course, however my age is a factor and with my sister getting married December 10 I do feel an obligation as I only have one sibling.

and, as always, a bunch of summer festivals call me, it's like a whisper in the wind. I want to set up 'shop' somewhere in RADelaide and have the luxury of popping back in and out when I need to. I believe in my heart of hearts it will work. Hey if I can survive in Vancouver on less than $200 a week I can do anything, truly!

I have my sights set on a few festivals I haven't worked before. I hope that it will all come through for me.

Leaving some people behind will be hard, but you know with the wonder of the interweb and other technologies, we're really never disconnected.

Besides, the universe has a hand in that connection thing, for realsies.

So I will enjoy the next three months in Canada to the best of my ability. Currently working away gathering volunteers for Hapa-Palooza which is in a few weeks. I believe in it, I think it will be great.

xx

"i want to make you happy"

just listening to the Kooks for something different. I believe they're returning to Falls this year. I remember them a few years back and they were wonderful.

super cute, super cool.

I had something to write, I know I did. It's probably about the Shambhala experience and the returning to Van experience.

But for now... let's leave it.

xx

Out in the forest...

so, arriving at a festival site after a 12 hour bus ride in which you don't get much sleep is never fun. However, it's a beautiful spot, I have to say. I'm currently in Salmo, British Columbia. Currently, it's quiet, but I'm sure by Thursday this will dramatically change.

I wonder exactly what I'm doing though. We're starting to get organised but there is a lot to do in the next few days. I'm waiting on a job manual to go through and to ask any questions.

I guess I haven't ever been at a fest site this early. It's interesting. Staff starting to trickle in and still a lot to be set up and moved. It will be interesting to watch it be shaped, like watching the Hope Street Warehouse get ready for a party.

Unfortunately right now, I do feel like a nap, however with tent in full sun; it's not likely. This won't be a problem ordinarily because I'll be working days and won't get back to said tent til quite late.

I absolutely need a shower, yes already.

xJ

possibly the biggest personal breakthrough yet...

a PAID festival job in a foreign country!

whilst that may not seem terribly exciting to any of you, to me... this is what i've been working towards. Granted, the people in this festival know of me simply because of someone I know... but that's how the cookie crumbles really.

It seems my now vast list of experiences sprawled throughout my CV is really getting out there, people can see what mixed capabilities I have and therefore, give me a shot.

And I don't intend to let them down. I know this role I will be taking on will be pretty huge for me. I may have brain overload in the first 24 of getting out there to the site, but as long as I have Redoxon (berocca for Canadians), earplugs, and candy, I'm pretty sure I'll be generally okay!

The other bonus with this, is that I will make decent money, which will help me get to Niagara Falls and the Grand Canyon this year. Two things on my list, kind of, well I decided them kinda recently, but you know, why not eh?! They're in this hemisphere, and relatively close...

As much as I do despise this capitalist society in which we live, unfortunately we are all mostly reliant on it. It really is balls if you ask me. Costs of travel really are going through the roof, and whilst I understand why, I don't understand why at the same time.

Economics. Who can explain it to me in laymans terms?

And so, I guess the reality is hey, though I am almost always in some kind of doubt about myself and my situation, things really are quite fine. I am doing what I wanted to, I just get frustrated. sometimes.

People have often asked why I chose Canada and I don't really know. I didn't like the idea of the UK. Everyone I know that has ever worked and lived there has come back like a skeleton really. It's kind of way too 'grey' for me too. I'd love to visit there for sure, but living and working there I don't think I could do (maybe for a short time... Edinburgh Fest comes to mind!). Unfortunately with the age I am now, that ship has sailed. It doesn't really bother me too much.

I may, also, consider heading to hang with my cuzzy bros in KiwiLand at some point in the future too. Why not?! I mean, really, why not?!

It's all an experience, is my point.

Much love to you and yours, and to you, dear Universe.

xx <3

Respect.

well... having a few cigs these last few weeks...

really was a stupid idea wasn't it?

Now I have to go through withdrawals AGAIN and well let's face it, withdrawals are never fun. One of those times, once again, that I wish I had never ever had a cigarette in the first place. What is it that makes it so appealing?! It's NOT appealing. Toxic BULLSHIT is what it is. I call BULLSHIT on cigarettes.

I guess that's kinda like calling SHENANIGANS on someone, but more appropriate when someone cheats at trivia or something... calling BULLSHIT that is.

Zen and I used to call shenanigans on each other often. I just remembered that. It was funny.

Ahh Zen... fond memories.... would have been made fonder if he stopped sucking on liquid acid and stood up to his mother. For both of us to hide away from the world and not seem to need the company of anyone else (except the dog), that's a pretty special thing I suppose. It wasn't intentional, it was just how it was.

I digress, that was several years ago now and should be left to the ether.

I like things to be natural, have a natural path, seem easy as if they flow with the universe and are not forced. That's why I take a step back and observe so often I guess. It's also why I get frustrated with certain situations, when somethings outta my hands but you don't want to interfere with it's path... yeh. THAT!!

I fully acknowledge how lucky I am that I know generous people who keep an eye out for me.

I like a lot of things. No, really... what DO I like??

>Gas stoves to cook on

>Eyeshadow

>16,000 people jumping up and down in Marion Bay every New Years Eve

>GetUp.Org for bringing important issues together and rallying the 'troops' back home

>Keeping a paper diary / daily planner i guess

>Black and White Photos

>When someone else straightens my hair for me

>Relish, of many varieties

>Cold showers during a hot summer

>Sukin and Natio natural products, made in Aus

>Passing on things that you don't need any more to someone who might need it

>My besties that are scattered throughout this world

>A book that will truly engage me

>when people get on their high horse...

When people get on their high horse... mostly because it amuses me so much. As soon as ONE article is published in a mainstream paper everyone freaks out. oh look shit this is going to cost me X amount of dollars more, what will i dooooo.... well yeh, you know, it's simple. Things in Australia are expensive. Waste not want not, though. I mean for real. When I moved away from Adelaide, I gave mostly everything away. I did the same when I left Brisbane, a few kind people donated funds towards a few things, but mostly, it went to the student neighbours who lived in the share house across the street.

Turn some appliances off, you might save a bit. Stop being so goddamned wasteful. Hey look, we avoided collapse, be thankful we're not the US.

I know things are tough down there, but you guys earn much better wages than in this hemisphere, particularly in this city where the costs seem quite relative to me. (to Aus that is)

To give an example, last fortnight I worked 63.5 hours for a total of $525 and some change. There's something completely wrong with that. Minus fortnightly rent, some bus tickets, some phone credit, some groceries, a pack or two of fags, BAM it's gone. Minimum wage out here is balls, the cost of living is about the same as Down Under. *SHRUG* what do you do?! Get on with it, occasionally get on it with yer mates and talk shit about the state of the universe, and live to see another day.

now i'll just get off my high horse and go enjoy the sunshine that just magically appeared.

xx

ok brain...

so unfortunately I am getting a slight case of the dreaded lurgy and therefore feeling rather average... it's only ever so slight though so hoping it doesn't linger for long.

point one, brain: smoking because your friend died is stupid. it will kill you.

point two, brain: save save save... save money. Yes i know i can do this one, providing I can earn a little more of it. (though my thoughts on this part of humanity are well known, me no likee money)

Well you know the universe always provides. I have been having a grand time over here in Canadaland recently. I do acknowledge that there are some behaviours that are slightly stupid on my behalf. But certainly am curbing my enthusiasm for them ever so slightly.

Lost in your little realm of stupidness.

I enjoy the company of good people, the financial thing does stress me a little. No wonder there are such social struggles here in BC. A guy asked for a couple quarters last night and then in his frustration said 'why will no-one give me it' and I had to answer 'because i'm on the poverty line too mate'... i mean i know my situation, looking at this particular guy, is way better. But it's the absolute truth. Slowly I am making headway. I monitor everything I spend and barely get any play money. Finding $50 on the street the other day meant I could buy pants for my theatre job and drink a few beers with a good friend. That was that. $50 kerblammo, bye bye, there you go.

But yes and of course as I suspected he was asking for change for the bus to get to MAIN STREET and HASTINGS. I could rant about what I thought immediately, firstly it would make me look like an arse, and secondly, who am I to judge?! These poor bastards in that part of downtown Vancouver do have it rough. They all have a story. And I would like to try and support the facilities in that area at least a little bit through the Hostel with our penny rolling initiatives and such.

The other week we rolled $133.50!!!! for the Pot Luck Cafe in the Downtown Eastside. I need to take it all to the bank and get the donation in something other than pennies, and started to make a nice poster for them with photos of the travelers who helped last night to give to them. I'm pretty happy with it and will put it up on here when it's finalised. (for those who haven't been here, rather than bag coins up like you do in Aus, you have to roll them into little containers to change them at the bank, it took the kids 2.5 hours to complete!)

So, back to my brain... it often plays tricks on me. Swirls around and around with the same little thoughts until they totally engulf and depress me. I'm getting better at controlling it. I've come up with one reason why it does this so often, therefore that habit has to stop.

Pretty simple really. Sometimes you think these things help, then you realise they hinder.

Should have been much clearer considering the relationships I've had with people over the years...

onwards and upwards...

xx

kathleen hanna and blogging...

today i was proud...

after feeling particularly terrible, negative, drowning not waving financially and feeling the wrath of everyones soul after the Vancouver riot... finally, i feel again part of my community.

I achieved my biggest volunteer feat so far, I guess... well i have to count, right? but managing volunteers for todays Car Free Day in East Vancouver really has made me happy.

I have energy right now, apart from the slight sunburn which doesn't even seem possible because of the overcast day, because I feel like I achieved. I did my first television interview ever and wasn't nervous, i was coherent and precise. And I hope I gave all required and correct information. I spoke about what we were doing and what I personally was doing with the festivals. I think I made some new friends. I was certainly grateful to the people who showed up to help, and I'm pretty sure they all had fun too.

LOVE.

xx

unsettled...

the lovely panda the other day said to me 'well of course you're not settled in the mind if you aren't settled with your location'... which actually made so much sense.

so if someone can actually define what is wrong with me i would love to know...