well... having a few cigs these last few weeks...

really was a stupid idea wasn't it?

Now I have to go through withdrawals AGAIN and well let's face it, withdrawals are never fun. One of those times, once again, that I wish I had never ever had a cigarette in the first place. What is it that makes it so appealing?! It's NOT appealing. Toxic BULLSHIT is what it is. I call BULLSHIT on cigarettes.

I guess that's kinda like calling SHENANIGANS on someone, but more appropriate when someone cheats at trivia or something... calling BULLSHIT that is.

Zen and I used to call shenanigans on each other often. I just remembered that. It was funny.

Ahh Zen... fond memories.... would have been made fonder if he stopped sucking on liquid acid and stood up to his mother. For both of us to hide away from the world and not seem to need the company of anyone else (except the dog), that's a pretty special thing I suppose. It wasn't intentional, it was just how it was.

I digress, that was several years ago now and should be left to the ether.

I like things to be natural, have a natural path, seem easy as if they flow with the universe and are not forced. That's why I take a step back and observe so often I guess. It's also why I get frustrated with certain situations, when somethings outta my hands but you don't want to interfere with it's path... yeh. THAT!!

I fully acknowledge how lucky I am that I know generous people who keep an eye out for me.

I like a lot of things. No, really... what DO I like??

>Gas stoves to cook on

>Eyeshadow

>16,000 people jumping up and down in Marion Bay every New Years Eve

>GetUp.Org for bringing important issues together and rallying the 'troops' back home

>Keeping a paper diary / daily planner i guess

>Black and White Photos

>When someone else straightens my hair for me

>Relish, of many varieties

>Cold showers during a hot summer

>Sukin and Natio natural products, made in Aus

>Passing on things that you don't need any more to someone who might need it

>My besties that are scattered throughout this world

>A book that will truly engage me

>when people get on their high horse...

When people get on their high horse... mostly because it amuses me so much. As soon as ONE article is published in a mainstream paper everyone freaks out. oh look shit this is going to cost me X amount of dollars more, what will i dooooo.... well yeh, you know, it's simple. Things in Australia are expensive. Waste not want not, though. I mean for real. When I moved away from Adelaide, I gave mostly everything away. I did the same when I left Brisbane, a few kind people donated funds towards a few things, but mostly, it went to the student neighbours who lived in the share house across the street.

Turn some appliances off, you might save a bit. Stop being so goddamned wasteful. Hey look, we avoided collapse, be thankful we're not the US.

I know things are tough down there, but you guys earn much better wages than in this hemisphere, particularly in this city where the costs seem quite relative to me. (to Aus that is)

To give an example, last fortnight I worked 63.5 hours for a total of $525 and some change. There's something completely wrong with that. Minus fortnightly rent, some bus tickets, some phone credit, some groceries, a pack or two of fags, BAM it's gone. Minimum wage out here is balls, the cost of living is about the same as Down Under. *SHRUG* what do you do?! Get on with it, occasionally get on it with yer mates and talk shit about the state of the universe, and live to see another day.

now i'll just get off my high horse and go enjoy the sunshine that just magically appeared.

xx

ok brain...

so unfortunately I am getting a slight case of the dreaded lurgy and therefore feeling rather average... it's only ever so slight though so hoping it doesn't linger for long.

point one, brain: smoking because your friend died is stupid. it will kill you.

point two, brain: save save save... save money. Yes i know i can do this one, providing I can earn a little more of it. (though my thoughts on this part of humanity are well known, me no likee money)

Well you know the universe always provides. I have been having a grand time over here in Canadaland recently. I do acknowledge that there are some behaviours that are slightly stupid on my behalf. But certainly am curbing my enthusiasm for them ever so slightly.

Lost in your little realm of stupidness.

I enjoy the company of good people, the financial thing does stress me a little. No wonder there are such social struggles here in BC. A guy asked for a couple quarters last night and then in his frustration said 'why will no-one give me it' and I had to answer 'because i'm on the poverty line too mate'... i mean i know my situation, looking at this particular guy, is way better. But it's the absolute truth. Slowly I am making headway. I monitor everything I spend and barely get any play money. Finding $50 on the street the other day meant I could buy pants for my theatre job and drink a few beers with a good friend. That was that. $50 kerblammo, bye bye, there you go.

But yes and of course as I suspected he was asking for change for the bus to get to MAIN STREET and HASTINGS. I could rant about what I thought immediately, firstly it would make me look like an arse, and secondly, who am I to judge?! These poor bastards in that part of downtown Vancouver do have it rough. They all have a story. And I would like to try and support the facilities in that area at least a little bit through the Hostel with our penny rolling initiatives and such.

The other week we rolled $133.50!!!! for the Pot Luck Cafe in the Downtown Eastside. I need to take it all to the bank and get the donation in something other than pennies, and started to make a nice poster for them with photos of the travelers who helped last night to give to them. I'm pretty happy with it and will put it up on here when it's finalised. (for those who haven't been here, rather than bag coins up like you do in Aus, you have to roll them into little containers to change them at the bank, it took the kids 2.5 hours to complete!)

So, back to my brain... it often plays tricks on me. Swirls around and around with the same little thoughts until they totally engulf and depress me. I'm getting better at controlling it. I've come up with one reason why it does this so often, therefore that habit has to stop.

Pretty simple really. Sometimes you think these things help, then you realise they hinder.

Should have been much clearer considering the relationships I've had with people over the years...

onwards and upwards...

xx

kathleen hanna and blogging...

today i was proud...

after feeling particularly terrible, negative, drowning not waving financially and feeling the wrath of everyones soul after the Vancouver riot... finally, i feel again part of my community.

I achieved my biggest volunteer feat so far, I guess... well i have to count, right? but managing volunteers for todays Car Free Day in East Vancouver really has made me happy.

I have energy right now, apart from the slight sunburn which doesn't even seem possible because of the overcast day, because I feel like I achieved. I did my first television interview ever and wasn't nervous, i was coherent and precise. And I hope I gave all required and correct information. I spoke about what we were doing and what I personally was doing with the festivals. I think I made some new friends. I was certainly grateful to the people who showed up to help, and I'm pretty sure they all had fun too.

LOVE.

xx

unsettled...

the lovely panda the other day said to me 'well of course you're not settled in the mind if you aren't settled with your location'... which actually made so much sense.

so if someone can actually define what is wrong with me i would love to know...