home again, home again, jiggidy jig...

well, not quite yet but the wheels (or probably more appropriately, the jet engines) are in motion...

how do i feel? i feel good. apart from the incessant smoking which i can't seem to put down again. damn you nicotine, damn you to hell (if there is such a place).

sad to leave Canada (again) of course, however my age is a factor and with my sister getting married December 10 I do feel an obligation as I only have one sibling.

and, as always, a bunch of summer festivals call me, it's like a whisper in the wind. I want to set up 'shop' somewhere in RADelaide and have the luxury of popping back in and out when I need to. I believe in my heart of hearts it will work. Hey if I can survive in Vancouver on less than $200 a week I can do anything, truly!

I have my sights set on a few festivals I haven't worked before. I hope that it will all come through for me.

Leaving some people behind will be hard, but you know with the wonder of the interweb and other technologies, we're really never disconnected.

Besides, the universe has a hand in that connection thing, for realsies.

So I will enjoy the next three months in Canada to the best of my ability. Currently working away gathering volunteers for Hapa-Palooza which is in a few weeks. I believe in it, I think it will be great.

xx

"i want to make you happy"

just listening to the Kooks for something different. I believe they're returning to Falls this year. I remember them a few years back and they were wonderful.

super cute, super cool.

I had something to write, I know I did. It's probably about the Shambhala experience and the returning to Van experience.

But for now... let's leave it.

xx

Out in the forest...

so, arriving at a festival site after a 12 hour bus ride in which you don't get much sleep is never fun. However, it's a beautiful spot, I have to say. I'm currently in Salmo, British Columbia. Currently, it's quiet, but I'm sure by Thursday this will dramatically change.

I wonder exactly what I'm doing though. We're starting to get organised but there is a lot to do in the next few days. I'm waiting on a job manual to go through and to ask any questions.

I guess I haven't ever been at a fest site this early. It's interesting. Staff starting to trickle in and still a lot to be set up and moved. It will be interesting to watch it be shaped, like watching the Hope Street Warehouse get ready for a party.

Unfortunately right now, I do feel like a nap, however with tent in full sun; it's not likely. This won't be a problem ordinarily because I'll be working days and won't get back to said tent til quite late.

I absolutely need a shower, yes already.

xJ

possibly the biggest personal breakthrough yet...

a PAID festival job in a foreign country!

whilst that may not seem terribly exciting to any of you, to me... this is what i've been working towards. Granted, the people in this festival know of me simply because of someone I know... but that's how the cookie crumbles really.

It seems my now vast list of experiences sprawled throughout my CV is really getting out there, people can see what mixed capabilities I have and therefore, give me a shot.

And I don't intend to let them down. I know this role I will be taking on will be pretty huge for me. I may have brain overload in the first 24 of getting out there to the site, but as long as I have Redoxon (berocca for Canadians), earplugs, and candy, I'm pretty sure I'll be generally okay!

The other bonus with this, is that I will make decent money, which will help me get to Niagara Falls and the Grand Canyon this year. Two things on my list, kind of, well I decided them kinda recently, but you know, why not eh?! They're in this hemisphere, and relatively close...

As much as I do despise this capitalist society in which we live, unfortunately we are all mostly reliant on it. It really is balls if you ask me. Costs of travel really are going through the roof, and whilst I understand why, I don't understand why at the same time.

Economics. Who can explain it to me in laymans terms?

And so, I guess the reality is hey, though I am almost always in some kind of doubt about myself and my situation, things really are quite fine. I am doing what I wanted to, I just get frustrated. sometimes.

People have often asked why I chose Canada and I don't really know. I didn't like the idea of the UK. Everyone I know that has ever worked and lived there has come back like a skeleton really. It's kind of way too 'grey' for me too. I'd love to visit there for sure, but living and working there I don't think I could do (maybe for a short time... Edinburgh Fest comes to mind!). Unfortunately with the age I am now, that ship has sailed. It doesn't really bother me too much.

I may, also, consider heading to hang with my cuzzy bros in KiwiLand at some point in the future too. Why not?! I mean, really, why not?!

It's all an experience, is my point.

Much love to you and yours, and to you, dear Universe.

xx <3

Respect.

well... having a few cigs these last few weeks...

really was a stupid idea wasn't it?

Now I have to go through withdrawals AGAIN and well let's face it, withdrawals are never fun. One of those times, once again, that I wish I had never ever had a cigarette in the first place. What is it that makes it so appealing?! It's NOT appealing. Toxic BULLSHIT is what it is. I call BULLSHIT on cigarettes.

I guess that's kinda like calling SHENANIGANS on someone, but more appropriate when someone cheats at trivia or something... calling BULLSHIT that is.

Zen and I used to call shenanigans on each other often. I just remembered that. It was funny.

Ahh Zen... fond memories.... would have been made fonder if he stopped sucking on liquid acid and stood up to his mother. For both of us to hide away from the world and not seem to need the company of anyone else (except the dog), that's a pretty special thing I suppose. It wasn't intentional, it was just how it was.

I digress, that was several years ago now and should be left to the ether.

I like things to be natural, have a natural path, seem easy as if they flow with the universe and are not forced. That's why I take a step back and observe so often I guess. It's also why I get frustrated with certain situations, when somethings outta my hands but you don't want to interfere with it's path... yeh. THAT!!

I fully acknowledge how lucky I am that I know generous people who keep an eye out for me.

I like a lot of things. No, really... what DO I like??

>Gas stoves to cook on

>Eyeshadow

>16,000 people jumping up and down in Marion Bay every New Years Eve

>GetUp.Org for bringing important issues together and rallying the 'troops' back home

>Keeping a paper diary / daily planner i guess

>Black and White Photos

>When someone else straightens my hair for me

>Relish, of many varieties

>Cold showers during a hot summer

>Sukin and Natio natural products, made in Aus

>Passing on things that you don't need any more to someone who might need it

>My besties that are scattered throughout this world

>A book that will truly engage me

>when people get on their high horse...

When people get on their high horse... mostly because it amuses me so much. As soon as ONE article is published in a mainstream paper everyone freaks out. oh look shit this is going to cost me X amount of dollars more, what will i dooooo.... well yeh, you know, it's simple. Things in Australia are expensive. Waste not want not, though. I mean for real. When I moved away from Adelaide, I gave mostly everything away. I did the same when I left Brisbane, a few kind people donated funds towards a few things, but mostly, it went to the student neighbours who lived in the share house across the street.

Turn some appliances off, you might save a bit. Stop being so goddamned wasteful. Hey look, we avoided collapse, be thankful we're not the US.

I know things are tough down there, but you guys earn much better wages than in this hemisphere, particularly in this city where the costs seem quite relative to me. (to Aus that is)

To give an example, last fortnight I worked 63.5 hours for a total of $525 and some change. There's something completely wrong with that. Minus fortnightly rent, some bus tickets, some phone credit, some groceries, a pack or two of fags, BAM it's gone. Minimum wage out here is balls, the cost of living is about the same as Down Under. *SHRUG* what do you do?! Get on with it, occasionally get on it with yer mates and talk shit about the state of the universe, and live to see another day.

now i'll just get off my high horse and go enjoy the sunshine that just magically appeared.

xx

ok brain...

so unfortunately I am getting a slight case of the dreaded lurgy and therefore feeling rather average... it's only ever so slight though so hoping it doesn't linger for long.

point one, brain: smoking because your friend died is stupid. it will kill you.

point two, brain: save save save... save money. Yes i know i can do this one, providing I can earn a little more of it. (though my thoughts on this part of humanity are well known, me no likee money)

Well you know the universe always provides. I have been having a grand time over here in Canadaland recently. I do acknowledge that there are some behaviours that are slightly stupid on my behalf. But certainly am curbing my enthusiasm for them ever so slightly.

Lost in your little realm of stupidness.

I enjoy the company of good people, the financial thing does stress me a little. No wonder there are such social struggles here in BC. A guy asked for a couple quarters last night and then in his frustration said 'why will no-one give me it' and I had to answer 'because i'm on the poverty line too mate'... i mean i know my situation, looking at this particular guy, is way better. But it's the absolute truth. Slowly I am making headway. I monitor everything I spend and barely get any play money. Finding $50 on the street the other day meant I could buy pants for my theatre job and drink a few beers with a good friend. That was that. $50 kerblammo, bye bye, there you go.

But yes and of course as I suspected he was asking for change for the bus to get to MAIN STREET and HASTINGS. I could rant about what I thought immediately, firstly it would make me look like an arse, and secondly, who am I to judge?! These poor bastards in that part of downtown Vancouver do have it rough. They all have a story. And I would like to try and support the facilities in that area at least a little bit through the Hostel with our penny rolling initiatives and such.

The other week we rolled $133.50!!!! for the Pot Luck Cafe in the Downtown Eastside. I need to take it all to the bank and get the donation in something other than pennies, and started to make a nice poster for them with photos of the travelers who helped last night to give to them. I'm pretty happy with it and will put it up on here when it's finalised. (for those who haven't been here, rather than bag coins up like you do in Aus, you have to roll them into little containers to change them at the bank, it took the kids 2.5 hours to complete!)

So, back to my brain... it often plays tricks on me. Swirls around and around with the same little thoughts until they totally engulf and depress me. I'm getting better at controlling it. I've come up with one reason why it does this so often, therefore that habit has to stop.

Pretty simple really. Sometimes you think these things help, then you realise they hinder.

Should have been much clearer considering the relationships I've had with people over the years...

onwards and upwards...

xx

kathleen hanna and blogging...

today i was proud...

after feeling particularly terrible, negative, drowning not waving financially and feeling the wrath of everyones soul after the Vancouver riot... finally, i feel again part of my community.

I achieved my biggest volunteer feat so far, I guess... well i have to count, right? but managing volunteers for todays Car Free Day in East Vancouver really has made me happy.

I have energy right now, apart from the slight sunburn which doesn't even seem possible because of the overcast day, because I feel like I achieved. I did my first television interview ever and wasn't nervous, i was coherent and precise. And I hope I gave all required and correct information. I spoke about what we were doing and what I personally was doing with the festivals. I think I made some new friends. I was certainly grateful to the people who showed up to help, and I'm pretty sure they all had fun too.

LOVE.

xx

unsettled...

the lovely panda the other day said to me 'well of course you're not settled in the mind if you aren't settled with your location'... which actually made so much sense.

so if someone can actually define what is wrong with me i would love to know...

Car Free Vancouver Day - Commercial Drive

Help us throw a party on the street...

put forward your interest by following this link and filling out your info:

http://www.carfreevancouver.org/locations/commercial-drive/volunteers/

Many Thanks, ME!

i really should not...

give a wickedly hard time to myself so often.

half of me goes oh you stupid girl you can't make a living doing what you're doing and the other half of me goes shut up pusssssyyyyyyyy.... (channeling Sam Simmons)

indeed.

Well you know, currently feeling particularly kind of bored. Just want the right job to appear in front of me. Which is terribly lazy, I know, but unfortunately that's how my body and mind feels right now.

All I have done for days is look for jobs, fluff about on zombie games, checking my bank account going 'oh god' and listen to tunes. But yes I must admit I'm not really going far except to buy coffee or food, which is kind of sad really. I came here to explore, not to mooch around. However I will say that from next month I hope to be back on top and not so stressed about money et al.

xx

Ohhhh Canadaaaaaaa...

this is where I isssss....

the cat is pawing at me to pay attention. she often gets her claws stuck in my clothes which is of course a problem. she also thinks she owns everything, as all cats do. Which is kinda why I don't end up liking them so much. Of course bearable but not my favourite animals. Dogs sure are. Except ones that headbutt me in the face in the park in Melbourne. That's a whole 'nother story.

It's bucketing down in Vancouver and I want to walk to work. It's kind of not fair somehow. Just when I have the motivation. Well the other reason is for being poor. Why not incorporate saving money with exercise. No problems there.

Besides, I need to start carbon offsetting my travel more effectively.

Walking takes an hour, I would be drowned head to toe by then. Sucks.

Oh well, best make some sandwiches to take in and hope it dies down shortly.

xx

in eight days...

or thereabouts, I shall be boarding yet another plane to head off over the great worlds oceans to somewhere I haven't been yet.

Recent experiences again fulfilling me however there was still confusion and hollowness in my being. At least I can say I've dumped smoking, and on a professional note, achieved what I had wanted to in my time back. Health wise not so much, but the knocking on the head of the smoking is the beginning of course. I give myself permission to eat unhealthy shit for at least a little while. That will stop very soon indeed.

Woah, slightly deep, okay so hey it's 1:08am. (At least that first sentence in the last paragraph!) I am contemplating the fact that I have about a week left in my home country before going exploring again, I know I am still pretty broke and therefore have to find work straight away once arriving, which is kind of shite.

More and more so lately I have wished beyond anything that money was not the object that we are all constantly up against.

And also further can't stop thinking about what actual aspect of festivals / performing / the arts I would really want to be in. Whilst never pursuing the 'on stage' part of my teens, somehow it is evident that it is there, wriggling away deep down inside. The fucking wimp pussy part of me thinks that just being the supporter (producer, executive producer or otherwise) of others is a wiser idea. Perhaps the idea of failure is what I dread.

Then again it's the old thing of if you don't try how the hell would you ever know.

Come on brain, stop fucking around and get to the point would you??!

Indeed.

xx

hmmm... perhaps this doesn't even make sense... RANT!

Mission almost accomplished.... well, you know, not bad i say. not bad indeed.

so my original intention was to return to Australia with the idea of making festivals my full time working environment. And who woulda thunk it?! It's actually worked.

No doubt there have been a few stressful moments. Playing catchup financially is not fun, lack of communication on some organisers parts also not fun. Train lines being disrupted for upgrades JUST as I arrive somewhere, floods, etc etc.

In the reality of it all though, I guess those things are minor. My main problem is, I guess, that I decided a while back the corporate world is not for me. However I have also always had a regular pay cheque. 13 years of regular pay cheques in fact, give or take a few months. And therefore when I am not 100% certain when the next one will hit my bank account, get a little stressed.

It's really unfortunate that my stress is about money, considering how non-capitalist my brain feels about our world and the universe.

It's certainly occurred to me the easiest way to fix that stress is to beat the crap outta my credit card and get rid of it. It shall take some time indeed, but it's a big one for me. Definitely high on my priority list. Once it's gone I really can fully relax.

Whilst I recognise that we get paid exceptionally well compared to some other countries here in Australia, I can also acknowledge that we get ridiculously ripped off with most things here also. I guess I've always known that but not taken it so seriously as now.

As an example of a 'local' issue: The big wigs of capitalism can argue all they like for a GST to be put on imported items bought online and all that garb, but the truth is... why can we buy something for $2.99 including postage from Hong Kong when it costs $25 in a shop here. Markup? Taxes? What the hell? So why wouldn't people just import items independently from overseas, via online shopping. Besides, a GST on something like that will only add another 30cents, so it's really not going to do much. They think they are losing out. Well I tell you what, I've never bought anything except a mobile phone from Hardley Normal anyways. Guess I'm less of a consumer than some.

It kind of makes me think though that perhaps, finally, with all of the news local and international and the natural disasters and all, people really are beginning to take stock. Perhaps they're donating their money and their time and even giving away items they discover they don't really need, rather than going in droves to buy new stuff. For some people this has always been normal, for others maybe it's a new revelation. I'd like to think it's making more people socially aware, even though occurrences lately are pretty disastrous on a human and a natural environment scale.

ranty rant rant. that's all for now. xx

Banana Bread Recipe

om nom nom nom...

2/3C Caster Sugar

60G butter, softened

2 eggs

3 Tbsp water

3 ripe bananas, mashed

1 3/4 C plain flour

1 tsp bicarb soda

1/2 tsp salt

1/4 tsp baking powder

Preheat oven 180C, line loaf pan with baking paper, beat sugar / butter until smooth and creamy.

Beat in eggs / water / bananas til well blended. Mix in flour, bicarb, salt, baking powder til just moistened. Pour into pan.

Bake 1 hour until top firm to touch and golden brown.

Allow to cool on side, 10 minutes, then onto a wire rack.

so far, so good...

it occurs to me that I could probably write quite a whimsical book sometime in the future about all the random stuff that went on at the various festivals i have worked on over the years.

so far since returning to Australia

- Falls Festival, Marion Bay - TASMANIA

- Sunset Sounds, Brisbane - QUEENSLAND

- Big Day Out, Gold Coast - QUEENSLAND
- RADelaide Fringe Festival (Gluttony), Adelaide - SOUTH AUSTRALIA

and next on the Agenda... Melbourne International Comedy Festival.

Not bad for a few months work eh?! I'm pleased as punch.

Ow, punching hurts!

and, just because....

xo